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Post by groo on Sept 13, 2024 0:47:01 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the senior center. After the community singalong led by Alice at the piano it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each & every one of you & all at the same time,” said Claude.
The excited chatter faded to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his pocket a beautiful antique pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It’s a very special, valuable watch that’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch.”
The audience was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the gentle swaying of the watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke. The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the senior center and Claude was never invited back again.
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Post by jimm on Sept 13, 2024 0:56:27 GMT -5
A blind man sits down at the bar and figures he'll break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, a man beside him says, "Before you tell that joke, buddy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know our bartender is blonde, our bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250 lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blonde. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
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Post by sprite on Sept 13, 2024 2:50:58 GMT -5
Staying in a small holiday flat in Madrid. Couldn't work out why our tiny bedroom got so hot, so fast whenever we switched off the air con.
This morning I found that 2 of 3 radiators in the flat are on maximum.
It has been over 25 C pretty much everyday for 10 weeks.
Who wants the heat on?? 🔥
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Post by psw on Sept 17, 2024 11:48:23 GMT -5
Not sure whether this goes here or in You Know You're Old:
My electric alarm clock fell and broke and I wanted to replace it with same-again if possible. Almost all clocks are now battery operated, but I wanted a corded clock. I finally found an identical replacement. The detailed specs, several clicks deep, said: No battery needed! Works on electricity!
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Post by sprite on Sept 17, 2024 13:04:16 GMT -5
Neighbours have a visitor with 2 sheep dogs, 1 of whom is young and playful. the kids are having a blast, becuase their dog is a bit old for games. currently, the dog has the kids trained for the oldest to stand on the slide, then throw a ball that the dog fetches back to the younger one, who hands it up to the older one...
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Post by HalcyonDaze on Sept 18, 2024 6:22:37 GMT -5
The round in Guy Mont's Spelling Bee where it is pick someone from the audience and spell their name. Always hilarious because there are so many random spellings of first names that something that sounds straight forward can be really tricky.
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Post by Liiisa on Sept 18, 2024 12:14:35 GMT -5
pero and I were trying to remember how to say "underpants" in Spanish, so we looked it up in the big Spanish dictionary: it said it was "calzone." Which, wait, a calzone is one of those stuffed pie type things that you can get at a pizza place.
It must be pretty funny for someone coming from whichever Spanish-speaking countries call underpants "calzones" to go to an American pizzeria and see them on the menu.
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Post by Queen on Sept 18, 2024 14:00:57 GMT -5
pero and I were trying to remember how to say "underpants" in Spanish, so we looked it up in the big Spanish dictionary: it said it was "calzone." Which, wait, a calzone is one of those stuffed pie type things that you can get at a pizza place. It must be pretty funny for someone coming from whichever Spanish-speaking countries call underpants "calzones" to go to an American pizzeria and see them on the menu. It comes from the Italian... calze for socks.
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Post by Liiisa on Sept 18, 2024 16:07:32 GMT -5
Wait, calzones are analogous to socks? Like... a sock full of sausage and tomato sauce and cheese, and you eat it? That is terrifying.
(In Spanish the word for socks is "calcetines," so I guess it's some Latin derivation thing. Roman socks?)
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